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Decoding the French: They are not rude, it's just a big misunderstanding

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Decoding the French: They are not rude, it's just a big misunderstanding
A French waiter in a restaurant (Photo by PHILIPPE HUGUEN / AFP)

Rudeness is often considered by the rest of the world to be as typically French as smelly cheese, baguettes or drinking red wine every lunchtime. But it shouldn't be, argues Rose Trigg.


The travel site, SkyScanner, surveyed over 1,000 travellers to find the rudest nation. France came in first place with almost 20 percent of respondents ranking France as "rude".

Indeed a quick search on Google reveals that "Why are the French so rude?" appears to be one of the great unanswered questions of our time.

But what if this is all one big misunderstanding?

Julie Barlow, co-writer of ‘The Bonjour Effect’, believes that's certainly the case.

“The root of the problem is not that the French are rude, it’s that we don’t understand the codes of French conversation," she told The Local in a previous interview.

Basically French society has different codes of behaviour and standards of what is considered polite. In day to day interactions with the French, you could be breaking any number of those rules without even knowing it.

The good news is that to get back in the good books of the French doesn’t require years of formal etiquette training, just a few simple guidelines to follow.


One little word

The most simple one starts with ‘B’ and ends in ‘R’, and it was probably the first word you ever learnt in French. The word ‘Bonjour’ is frequently disregarded, or used improperly by foreign visitors to France. Even people who have lived here for years still haven’t caught on to how to use it.

“You can’t have any interaction with the French unless you say bonjour, you say it in a meaningful way, and you give them a chance to say bonjour back,” said Barlow.

By not waiting for a bonjour in return before you ask a question, “you’re not giving them time to acknowledge or give you permission to continue the conversation.”

Given France’s history of revolution and motto of egalité, you can imagine why they may be a little touchy when they feel like they’re being spoken down to.

It’s all coconuts and peaches

A common reason French people are perceived as being rude is a certain ‘frostiness’ and lack of desire to engage in small talk. The reason we might feel that way is all to do with fruit or nuts – metaphorical fruit that is.

The world is divided into "peaches" and "coconuts". Or at least that's according to German-American Psychologist Kurt Lewin, who says that cultures can be divided into these two foody labels.

Peaches are warm on the outside, and share personal stories, but make the mistake of thinking that is genuine intimacy and you’ll hit the core ‘inner self’ stone, Lewin argues. Whereas coconuts seem aloof and cold at first, but once you get through to their tough outer shell, they become genuine and open.

"French people are definitely coconuts in comparison with all the Anglo-Saxon countries," Erin Meyer, author of The Culture Map told The Local.

"That’s one of the reasons that French people are considered arrogant is because they don’t smile at strangers, they’re very formal”.


If the French are coconuts, then that makes English speaking visitors mainly peaches, and that clash can create some awkwardness. The immediate openness of "peaches" can be off putting for "coconuts".

Meyer says “the French can perceive that as being superficial and invasive”.

Meyer advises approaching French people in a humble but very friendly way, which can often result in their outer shell “melting away". Just don’t be surprised if a French person doesn’t want to share their own personal life right away. 

'French and arrogant'

In 2013, US research centre Pew Global found that of the eight EU countries surveyed, France was voted the second most arrogant country. 

Meyer argues that this perception is largely due to French attitudes to disagreement and negative feedback.

“The French are much more direct with negative feedback than any Anglo-Saxon country” says Meyer, “this is a big part of why any culture is considered to be arrogant”.


When a French person disagrees with what you’re saying, or think something could be improved, they’ll tell you straight away.

It’s simply not considered rude in France it’s just seen as normal. 

But the French criticism isn’t reserved for others, they’re just as critical of themselves. In the same Pew study, French people also ranked their own country as the most arrogant in the EU, which ironically, is actually quite humble.   


Muriel Damarcus of the blog French Yummy Mummy told The Local that one of the reasons that French people are considered to be rude is that they like their peace and quiet, and will tell you what they think in no uncertain terms if you disturb it.

“We don’t like noisy people, and can be quite snotty with them. For instance, it is not polite to speak too loudly in a queue or in a restaurant” she said.


French people will have few concerns about appearing rude by, for instance, telling parents to keep their children under control. If you’re the one making the noise, you’re fair game.

So the next time you have a problem with a French person, have a think about whether it could be down to any of these underlying reasons. And if after that, you still think they’ve been rude, then you’re probably right. Rude people do exist in the world, but perhaps they’re not all concentrated in France.  

By Rose Trigg, originally published in 2019


Comments (3)

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HELENA 2023/08/24 05:38
When I walk with my dog in Paris, it is only the American tourists that throw themselves at it, for a cuddle, without asking. A man even yelled across a park, from his table at restaurant, that it was beautiful, while I was in deep thought, because of a close friends unexpected death. People live and work in France and it was not built to entertain tourists. Unless visitors learn to, quietly, say hello, please, thank you, excuse me, etc, they are the rude ones, not us.
Anonymous 2021/09/11 10:10
I have taken my vacations in France for 25 years and now live here permanently. Apart from Parisiens, who the French think are rude, I have found the French to be among the politest people I have encountered. But as the article suggests they are very formal. I have known waiters who have kindly helped me understand a menu in a mix of my poor French and their poor English, become aloof and uncomprehending when faced with a table of Anglophones who they think have not showed them sufficient respect, or have behaved in a manner they consider impolite. A simple purchase requires observance of some rituals. "Bonjour monsieur" from the salesperson/till operator, requires a "bonjour" in response. On conclusion the minimum from you should be "Merci, au revoir", or if they have been particularly helpful "merci beaucoup, au revoir". Better still is "merci (beaucoup), bonne journée, au revoir". I have had till operators giving me an eye-roll when the person ahead of me in the queue, invariably a tourist, fails to observe such niceties. In Provence, where I live, motorists will readily stop to allow you to cross the road, but will expect a wave of thanks in return.
Anonymous 2020/09/28 21:14
PS French people ARE (more or less) quiet, depending on what part of the country you are visiting. BUT, give them a few drinks, an evening together, and they rival Neopolitans! [well, not really, but...]

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