The nine ways a French wedding will surprise you

The nine ways a French wedding will surprise you
Photos: AFP
A French wedding is nothing like what you may expect back home, writes British writer in France Jackie McGeown.
Jackie McGeown considers herself “a bit of an expert” on French weddings – and she reckons there are nine ways you'll be surprised if you're lucky enough to attend one (or indeed host one). 
Over to you Jackie. 
1. You have to get married in your local town hall
To a Brit or an American, getting married on a zoo or on a roller coaster hardly raises an eyebrow any more. But what will really make them sit up is learning that in France couples are forced to go through an civil ceremony in their local town hall.
Why? Because the separation of the Church and the State does not allow a legal ceremony took take place in a church/synagogue/mosque/what have you. Signing a register at the side of the altar (or after you’ve got off the rollercoaster) just doesn’t cut it in France. 
2. No bridesmaids or best man
Magenta dresses, fake tan to cover strap lines and flesh squeezed into a dress chosen to suit the bride’s other cousin – oh, the joys of being a bridesmaid! But don’t be afraid of being asked to spend big money on a dress you’ll wear once before burning it in a bin along with pictures of your ex because bridesmaids (and ushers) are not a thing in France.
The only people following the bride up the aisle while wearing frou-frou dresses and a disgruntled expression are les desmoiselles d’honneur, usually children related to the couple. There are other adults involved in the ceremony, however. These are the witnesses, a maximum of four, who are usually the close friends/relatives of the couple. No costumes required.
3. The car horns!
After the ceremony, some members of the party driving to the reception venue beep their horns repeatedly for the length of the drive. As the owner of two fine ears, I don’t like this one. You’re happy, we get it, don’t make the rest of us suffer.
In 2012 one wedding party took this to a whole other length by stopping their cars on the autoroute to celebrate, causing an enormous traffic jam and generally annoying everyone. Just typing this sentence is making me so angry. Let’s move on

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4. The wedding cake is a towering mass of cream buns 
No three-tiered fruitcake covered in royal icing here. The traditional wedding dessert is a croquembouche – a tower of mouth-sized choux pastries filled with crème pâtissière and held together by hardened caramel. It can be decorated by spun sugar, sugared almonds, chocolate, macarons – people can get pretty creative.
The idea is very much to have a wow factor. The entrance of the croquembouche is often the pinnacle of the evening, its arrival signalled by dimmed lights, music and even indoor fireworks. That the staff actually manage to dismantle the damn thing and serve it to the guests is something of a miracle. Beware shards of brittle caramel that could cause serious dental mayhem.
5. French wedding receptions are really long
Let’s say the wedding service(s) finishes at 4pm. You’ll travel to the reception venue which where you’ll be served champagne and nibbles. But don’t expect to sit down to dinner before 9pm, probably closer to 10. If you get to dessert before midnight then that’s an early finish to the meal. Compared with a British wedding where dinner might start at 6 and be done by 8, French wedding dinners are a marathon. The quality of food, unsurpisingly, is excellent.
6. The couple’s friends may well put on a skit
Between courses some guests may shuffle, embarrassed, into a specially cleared area and launch into a performance that probably seemed like a good idea when it was first suggested a few weeks ago but which, in the moment, they’re clearly regretting.You see, it’s a French tradition for those close to the newlyweds to do some sort of personalised bit for the couple.
It might be a specially written song, a dance routine, a slide show of dorky old photos, a game. Yes, there may be occasions when you wince at the bumbling poetry recital by an accountant from Nîmes but these are performed with love, so it’s generally charming and really rather sweet. I have even performed a small (but dramatically vital) role in a short film that was shown at such an occasion. Still haven’t seen my Oscar nomination in the post but I’m sure it’s on its way…
7. French people can party hard
Lax licensing laws in comparison with Britain means that French venues can stay open late into the night. And they do. Long past the point that most British people would be tucked up in bed/unconscious in a bus top/sobbing in a taxi queue, French people are on that dance floor, making moves to some of the worst Euro music you’ve ever heard. 
If you’re going to a French wedding, get some rest beforehand, pace yourself with the alcohol, eat often and dance like it’s your last night on earth.
8. Post-wedding lunch/breakfast
If the couple have hired the reception venue for the weekend then guests are usually invited to a late breakfast or lunch the following day. As well as the usual delicious bread and pastries, expect leftovers and cake.
And very probably someone will pop open more champagne. And look, we’ve still got some red leftover, let’s open that too! Much more relaxing than the previous day, plus it sends you off in a good mood with a full stomach. And if French people have hangovers after drinking and dancing till 5am, I have never spotted one. Iron constitutions, these people.
9. Remember, it can get hot
Most weddings take place in the summer and that’s where there’s a major difference with the UK. Because it can get hot, very hot. I went to one wedding in a vineyard where it was 43C. Consider loose, natural fabrics for your wedding outfit (I hadn’t) and don’t forget the suncream (I had). Sunburnt skin is never a good look but especially not when you have 12+ hours of wedding celebrations ahead of you.
Jackie McGeown runs the site Best France Forever. Follow her on Facebook here for regular updates.