With summer here (at least according to the calendar) the French and the tourists are set to flock to terraces across the country.
And why wouldn't they? There's nothing lovelier than sipping a glass of Rosé or a café crème and watching the world pass by.
But – and we stress this – you have to follow these unspoken rules, in a step-by-step chronological order, apart from the one about smoking.
Don't be a chair vulture
If the terrace is full, your best bet is to find a waiter and to tell them the size of your group. They'll usually keep the next available table for you, even if other vultures are hanging out ready to snatch it. Play by the rules.
If there are free seats at a terrace, then go ahead and plonk yourself down.
Avoid the cutlery
As our reader Tracie Olsson English pointed out: “don't sit at a table set for a meal if you only want a drink.” You see French cafes have certain tables for drinking and certain others for eating. The cutlery gives it away.
Don't even think of moving the chairs around to suit you
Or the tables for that matter. If there's a big group of you, don't just pile in and start moving the furniture around to suit your needs.
The waiter will burst the buttons on his waist coat as he boils over in anger. Well not quite, but he or she won't like it.. Your best bet is to stand nice and quietly and tell the waiter or waitress of your needs. “We're six and there's only four seats,” kind of thing and they will generally do what they can to sort you out.
Grab an outward-facing seat
You're crazy to sit anywhere but an outward-facing seat – because this is what sitting on a terrace is all about. If you're being seated by a waiter, make sure you let them know that you'd prefer to face outwards. Although you might feel a little cramped (see above).
If it's busy they often won't let two of you face outwards, because that often means using up two tables, such is the way they are cramped together in France. So only one of you will get the lucky seat.
And if it's impossible for you both to be all facing outwards, then do the same as the woman below and nab the place with the view before your partner even realizes what's happened.
Keep your elbows in and your legs bent at the knees
There's often more room on a Ryanair plane than a terrace outside a Paris café. The chairs are lined up like seats in a stadium so don't expect too much room to stretch your legs. In fact don't stretch your legs, because you'll probably trip the waiter up or another customer.
The lack of leg and elbow room can often cause problems for foreign visitors, who are often, shall we say, bigger, than the streamlined Parisians. But you'll just have to cope if you want to enjoy the terrace atmosphere. And maybe get your partner to pour the beer down your mouth if you can't lift your arms.
(Photo: Daniel Lobo/Flickr)
Be patient – wait to be served
French waiters are generally some of the best in the world, and they don't need you to seek them out when you're hungry or thirsty.
They'll find you when they're free, so don't rush to head in to the bar if you think you've been forgotten.
Smoking is allowed (not that we are encouraging it)
It's legal to smoke cigarettes on terraces in France, even if everyone around is tucking into their dinner at the same time. It's not unheard of for French people to ask neighbours if they're ok with a burning cigarette, so if you are lighting up perhaps do the same.
It's considered polite to hold the cigarette away from the tables, however, between puffs.
Even if you're in a bustling bar, the French won't be impressed if you're speaking or laughing too loudly with your friends (which is often the case for over-excited Anglos). In fact, don't be surprised if your French neighbours ask you to be quiet, complain to a waiter, or even move to another seat.
It's just not the French way to be noisy, so be sure to respect the moderation too.
Don't swing or even lean back on your chair
The straw chairs at French cafes may look wonderful, but they can be flimsy at best. Play it safe with this one, or you might end up with your head in the lap of the Frenchman behind you.
Don't feel the pressure to leave
And lastly, French terraces are made to be enjoyed – don't feel like you have to leave the second you've finished your drink. In fact, many people will have a long and leisurely people-watching session when they're out en terrasse, so you shouldn't feel bad about doing the same.
If the waiter comes out to ask if you'd like another drink, feel free to shrug them off – especially if the terrace isn't full. But it's perhaps time to call it a day if the waiter comes out asking again. Or, of course, you could order another drink and enjoy the terrace some more.